It had been too long since he had last worked this horse. The bay mare was fierce, nasty, coy, and unforgiving. She was sharp to react, belligerent, resisted any change, and fought before any thought of running. It had taken months for him to get her to the point that he could get the saddle on her without having to lay her down a few times beforehand.
Wormfood, as she was kindly called, stood with her ears flat. He knew the signs that she would go off like dynamite if he was to crawl on her back now. She bucked and heaved and thrashed around the pen just as he knew she would. He held onto the lead line firmly, pulling her head around anytime she tried to slip from his control.
Sydney welcomed the silence in the room. It meant he didn’t have to talk about it, acknowledge it, or move on from it. His wife had cheated on him, was pregnant with a baby that would never be his, out of frustration he had sought to unload his anger on Jarin, humiliated him, hurt him, and ran from him. Jarin cheated on him. Just as she did. He cheated on Krissa. Just as they all had. What the fuck was love anymore?
Unlike Sydney, Justin couldn’t sit in the silence much longer. The whole situation was too deep, too heavy. No wonder he hadn’t seen the man stand up straight in months. “Fuck…” he sighed. Since when did the high school sweethearts become so distant? “Have you asked her about this? Or did you just find out through someone else or?”
Sydney nodded, “I did right before we left for the reining competition. I thought she’d try to lie to me, Jus. I thought for sure she’d lie to my face like maybe she made a mistake but she didn’t want me to know. Cover it up like she had any fuckin’ regret. But you know what she did? She fuckin’ told me. She spat it right in my face that it wasn’t mine. Told me she didn’t even know who the real father was and didn’t care. Told me at least I’d finally take some responsibility for once if there was a kid involved. Told me she did what I could never get done…” He knew she wanted kids so badly. But working so far away from home had him hesitant. He wanted to be there. She wanted him to keep the job; it paid well. Better than the position that would have placed him a lot closer to home. She wanted everything from him: a home, a family, money, his dignity.
Justin cringed a little. That really didn’t sound like what Krissa would say but she had a hard upbringing too. And who knew what happened behind closed doors. He kept his eyes on Sydney, feeling strangely sympathetic to his poor friend, all of a sudden. “Syd…why the hell are you still with her?”
Sydney scoffed, “Nice tits.'' The boys shared a quick chuckle before Sydney got serious again, “You know how my family is. If I get a divorce, I may as well tell ‘em all I fucked a dude too as much as they’ll spit over my grave. They take that ‘til death do us part shit seriously.”
And Justin knew that. The Brannons and their religious views were pretty strict. “But that ain’t no chains on yer neck, Syd. That ain’t no reason you gotta be stuck like this. And it certainly ain’t no reason to act like a pile of shit to the ones ya actually like…”
Sydney rubbed a hand over his eye and cheek. He shook his head, hunching over the bar counter. “I fuckin’ know that. I got the papers. The divorce shit. I didn’t want to make any kinda scene outta it. A separation. She gets what she wants, I get the fuck away from her. Ain’t nobody ‘round here woulda known any different. But she knows that. And she ain’t signin’ them. She’s holdin’ out on me for spite like the bitch she is.”
Justin sighed, popping Sydney over the head, mostly for talking about Krissa like that. Even if she was going full witch-mode, he didn’t have to say it outloud. “Syd. I know yer dense and man pride gets all on the defensive at the flip of a switch but this ain’t what ya really want, is it? Hidin’ in yer hole here, actin’ like yer a whipped dog or someone else’s fuckin’ circus act? Syd… what do you want?”
The bay mare finally walked on the lead, sweat dripping from her harsh, wiry coat. She snorted with every breath, panting from her explosive nature. Stubborn. She was stubborn and rotten to the core. She would never be fit for riding. She was too unpredictable, too feral, too far gone.
Sydney knew she was a waste of time and resources. He knew he shouldn’t be putting a foot in the stirrup, swinging a leg over her, and checking the reins. He knew it wasn’t built to last. It was all rotten from the foundation up. So why did he still get on?
Honesty.
“At first, I thought he was a fuckin’ dumbass kid. Still do, but once I got to riding with him, I could tell he was just an stupid, honest guy. It wasn’t fair. He gets to be so fuckin’ open and true where I have to be a certain style and a certain look.”
Justin rolled his eyes, “Yea, if raging asshole is a certain look.”
“Fuck off.”
“See? Owning up to your nature already. Apparently, Jar-bae taught you something about honesty afterall.”
Sydney hung his head, “I just thought that there's no way this guy would ever do anything like what Krissa did to me…he's a fuckin' nun for Christ's sake. He acts like the Holy Virgin Mary but fucks like a whore.”
Justin cleared his throat, uncomfortably, “Okay, Syd, I don't need-“
“I'm serious! He does this thing with his hips-“ Sydney looked like he was grabbing onto them and swiveling them.
Justin waved his hands in surrender, “I get it! Syd…” Justin regained his composure, “…back on track…”
Sydney's grin shrank until there was nothing left, “But then he went off with that fuckin’ dickhead piece of shit…”
“Long, Tall, and Spindly?”
Sydney nodded. “He went and did the same thing behind my back.” He looked at the scabs on his arm, scowling hard. How fast it had all spiralled out of control in a matter of minutes.
Justin sighed and shook his head, “Syd, I feel for ya man…but your sob story still gave you no right to do what you did. Ya ain’t married to Jar. He didn’t get pregnant off of Mr. Linguine’s spaghetti noodle if ya know what I mean. It was not the same thing, bro. You've really backed yourself into a corner now, bud. Way I see it, yer choosin’ a life of misery with your cheating wife or yer choosin’ a life of misery with a man-whore. Same really, 'cept one has a bigger dick than the other.”
“Ya’ll fucked up,” Justin concluded softly. “Syd. Ya gotta man up and make some decisions, Sydney. Gotta stop digging our grave deeper, man. What do you want out of life, Syd. I’m here to help, you know that. But if you don’t have any direction, what good is any of it? Ya know?”
Sydney stared at his glass. What did he want out of life? Hell, if he knew. His actions were already spreading through rumors around the stable. It wouldn’t be long until his name was slandered into pieces. A solid career sailed into the sea without a captain aboard. He wanted…a faithful wife? No, he already tasted how bitter that ended. That shipped sailed. He didn’t want that kid; he didn’t want anything to do with it. He wanted Jarin all to himself. That ship sailed. Probably for good. What did he even have left in the harbor? He sighed heavily.
Justin tapped his fingers on the table, looking at Sydney’s demeanor. Such a buff dude, yet so soft and wimpy on the inside. He smiled softly, “Sydney Motherfuckin’ Brannon doesn’t know what he wants? Pretty sure you always know what you want there, buddy. You’re the most selfish person I know and yer telling me you don’t know what you want right now?”
Sydney frowned hard. Of course, he knew what he wanted. But it didn’t matter. He couldn’t have any of it even if he tried.
Justin leaned an elbow on the bar, looking smug, “Syd…you want that lil’ Jar-Bear donchya?”
Sydney strained a little to keep his emotions under check. He still didn’t quite have his walls built back up. He looked to Justin, searching for sarcasm and judgement so he could use that as an excuse to be sarcastic back. But Justin softened a great deal, genuinely happy for his buddy. He needed this. He opened up his arms and invited a bro hug. It didn’t matter to Justin that he was a gay cheating bastard. He was still his dumbass Texan giant that had the heart as hard as a slug once it was uncovered.
Sydney sniffed hard, trying to compose himself. All of this and Justin was still offering a bro hug? He slapped his arms around Justin and pulled him in tight, slapping him on the back several times. Justin wheezed as his lungs were crushed by the man-bear’s massive arms. He slapped Sydney back, “There’s a good boy. Oh god, yer crushin’ me.”
Sydney didn’t care for just a few more seconds before he eventually set Justin back down, wiping his gross tears away. “I don’t have any fuckin’ ground to stand on, Jus. It’s done.”
Justin rubbed his more mangles ribs, “Yea, well, if you knew what was best for you, you’d fuck off out of Krissa and Jarin’s lives but I’ve never known you to take the high road, Syd. Nor do you quit while yer ahead. So I don’t see how any of that matters. What you need to do, regardless of your selfish ass tendencies is go fuckin’ be honest with yer goddamn wife and then you got some ‘splainin’ to do to Jarin if he doesn’t kick yer ass for even showin’ yer ugly ass face ‘round him again.”
Sydney looked up to the cellar door. “How do I even…”
Justin rolled his eyes, “Seriously? Now you start askin’ questions? Get yer ass up there like a goddamn man and make momma proud.”
The mare hadn’t pitched a fit for the first few minutes, feeling the weight of her rider over her strong back. Round and round, she walked, heeding his strength through her bit.
“Who really has the commitment issue here, Sydney? Not me. I’m going through with this no matter what.”
“If it didn’t matter to you, then you’d sign those divorce papers, Krissa.”
The mare swished her tail, growing agitated and testing her boundaries already. This wasn’t the life of a horse. She should be grazing or moving on from a feeding area. Not pinned up with a predator on her back.
“We all fuckin’ know you’re just after my goddamn money, Krissa.”
“Oh, the money! Because that’s all that ever mattered to me! Right! It was always more than the money Sydney! You’re never here!”
“You were the one that wanted me to take the job! NOW it bothers you!? What the fuck, Krissa!? Did your little affair go back that far!? Is that why you wanted me out of here!?”
“At least they listened to what I wanted!”
She froze up, halting in place and refusing to budge. Pull on the bit all he wanted, she bulled up and swelled like a dam ready to burst. He knew it was coming. It was every sign in the book being on borrowed time. A rotten horse with a rotten attitude. She backed up in a hurry, spinning to the side, ducking her head down low to escape the bit. His weight pulled her off balance, causing her to stumble. But she felt a release on the bit and bolted forward, launching into a fit of bucking, thrashing around the pen. She spun and jumped sharp and hard enough, the man’s weight couldn’t keep up and he was dislodged!
“I will do whatever it takes to leave your ass in the dirt. You’ve dragged me through enough of your shit.”
Sydney hit the ground, shoulders first and then the rest of him plummeting over the top of himself. The bigger you are...the harder you fall…
“Shut up, Sydney. You’re such a baby. You won’t do shit to me. You can’t do anything that makes your poor mommy mad. Jesus Christ, Sydney. Stop acting like you aren’t a scared little boy.”
He was scared. Scared of the stigmas, stereotypes, and the unknown consequences. He had no footing to stand on, the ships had sailed, and he had no choice but to drown or start swimming. That’s why he climbed on that horse. He had to find the land before he could stand again.
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